It's my birthday tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 52 years old. Lately that feels really old. Especially after I get home from work, do my chores, read the mail and all I want to do is sit with a really big glass of wine and just be.

I feel like I’ve barely begun life. And I feel as if I’ve lived a hundred years. I look in the mirror and see the same person that I was at 16 or 24 or 36 or 48. I know I’m different, but I don’t feel different.

I like to think that I’m improving on the me, but I feel as if I have failed somehow. I’ve had some serious (in my mind) set backs lately. Professionally and personally. I’ve been an emotional mess for the last year. I’ve been up and telling myself to be positive. Then I have these ugly little thoughts of how incomplete I am, how unsuccessful I am. What a failure I’ve been.

This is nobody’s fault but my own. I am responsible for my feelings. I am capable of being a positive force. I am the only one responsible for my happiness.

So…I woke up this morning and looked around. A birthday is a good time to reflect on life. 52 is not a typical milestone, but for me, it’s a fork in the road. Be happy or…not.

So here are the results of my self examination:

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He loves me. It’s pretty much that simple. He is my best friend. He stays in the room with me when I’m crabby and tired and bitchy. He hugs me when I am at my most un-huggable. He thinks I’m a good wife, mother and believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. There is no one I would rather spend time with, have fun with or go through fire with. I love him forever.

I have two wonderful children. They are happy. What more can a mother want than that. I am watching these two beings I helped create become adults in their own right. They are making their lives right now and I can’t wait to see how they evolve and what they become. I love them with all my heart and I know they love me.

I have a good job. But more than that, I have a talent that allows me to enjoy the living I make. I have plans to expand and use my talents more fully, but more on that at a later date.

I have friends that I can laugh with, share food and drink with and with whom I am willing to share my free time.

I am a pretty awesome person. I feel I am passionate about what I do for fun and for work. When I love, it’s all in. I feel deeply and am honest. I am a loyal friend. I listen and I don’t share. I can offer advice when it’s asked for and sometimes when it’s not. I have a sense of humor and can be silly. I have been know to dance and sing, and don’t hold back even at the expense of dignity. I can laugh at myself and I can love myself.

So it’s up to me. I have decided that I am going to be happy. It is, after all, my responsibility, my decision, my right. I am making conscience decision to surround myself with happy and positive people. I will focus on the good in my life. I will not fritter away my time on this earth. I will fill it with love, laughter and positive actions, thoughts and deeds. This life I have been given is not a dress rehearsal. I don’t get another chance. So I am going to make the most of it. Why be unhappy and negative when I have the opportunity to fully enjoy what’s been given to me freely and what I’ve worked for and earned.

Happy Birthday to me.

My gift to myself is knowing that I deserve happiness and that I can have it.

With ice cream and a big glass of wine.